dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
