I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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