I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
