Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
This is my gift to your gina
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
