Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
