Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
