he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize