I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Randomize
