a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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