he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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