Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
