yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
