My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
