Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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