My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
