I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
This is the high leading the old right now
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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