Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
