sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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