party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
