My sheets look like a crime scene.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize