the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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