I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
