The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
