I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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