great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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