I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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