Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
