I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
