I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
