3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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