Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
