I wanna bring you to show and tell
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We're too hungover to prance.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
