Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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