Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
