My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
