i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
