She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize