I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize