I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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