my phone needs a breathalizer
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
