Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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