I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
