Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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