my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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