i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
