I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize