did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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