i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
