I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
