No awkward lesbian experiences without me
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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