Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
