That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Randomize
