She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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