Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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