I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
