Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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