I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
