I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
