you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
